A killer in me is a killer in you.

Mr. Brad Ballack, the senior judge in the jury panel of Detroit High Court was in the ninth year of his service. Whenever a case arrived, it would be him to emerge out as a crusader and lead the remaining jury to a consensus. Ballack was stern and just. He believed in the principle of "an eye for an eye”. He was famous as BAD BALLACK among the others.

Ballack was looking in the case of Bilal Ur Rehman, the accused terrorist. He was arraigned of planting a bomb in the city, last year. Fifteen people had died and over fifty were injured. The proceedings were moving towards the end. Ballack had made up his mind to order "The Execution",  but before that he decided to have a glimpse of THETERRORIST one last time.

The terrorist was a man in late twenties; his beard had covered most of his face, amid the long hair and the overgrown beard was his hazel eyes. Albeit the proceedings were at the end, and the aftermath had to be his execution, he had been still as a statue. He hadn’t uttered a single word in the overall process. Ballack was amused at his grey existence.

“Do you want to say something in your defense?”

The convict didn’t move a muscle. Ballack reiterated his question, only this time with an elevated intensity. Still, there wasn’t any effect. Ballack was amazed to witness the young terrorist so keen to die, so dull, desperate to give his life away.

What was the terrorist thinking?

Why did he do it?

Why did he make his life so contemptible?

Ballack returned from the mystic tunnels of his mind, when suddenly “The Terrorist” started speaking. His voice was weak, yet musical and calm…

“My family lived in Kansas. We were happy in our small world. I had dreams. Didn’t I deserve it? I am an American, why was I treated differently? Was it because my god wasn’t crucified on a cross or rather he gave me a dark shade of color? After the attack of 9/11, my father went missing the next week. The whole society suddenly saw us differently. What was our fault? Where were we wrong? I lost my father; my family… was that right? Was it not the part of the killing? Why was it, that there was no electricity and water in my house, when the whole avenue had it at the same time?

The answers were given by none, yet somehow there was everyone to as me questions…

Life all of a sudden was drained of colors. I was alone. There wasn’t anyone to hold my hand. How could I survive? With each day passing by, I was sucked out of life. I was forced to leave my home and didn’t have a place to go.

I thought it was the end…

9/11 became 24x7 for me…

It was then when I met this group “jihad”. It welcomed me with open hands. They gave me a purpose to live for. They were people who cared about me. Suddenly, what I had thought to be the end was turning out to be the beginning for me. I could see a silver lining. I didn’t care about their intentions, when the world didn’t care about mine, that part of me was assassinated somewhere in the past. As the days passed, I could sense the rising of killer streak in my soul, I was becoming blood thirsty. God had no mercy on me, why would I have it for others… The world wasn’t a plain Jane, nor was I. It was the birth of a new Rehman from the ashes of the naïve child, who was burnt away in the solitude of racism.”

Looking in to the eyes of Rehman, Ballack was moved by the intensity of the pain present there. He was a judge, yet a human. Inevitably he had developed a soft corner for “The Terrorist”.Ballack remembered what he felt a few minutes back, and his feelings now, he wanted to cry for the guy. He could see a innocent man beneath the scary terrorist and he didn’t want to kill him now. Ballack was searching for words when the janitor reminded him of the time. It was a choice between his duty and his emotions.

He then decided finally, it was time to give the verdict. It was time now to change places with Rehman, he thought. He ordered for his execution and as the thud of the order died in the silence, he could feel the rising of a KILLER in himself...

He scribbled on the judgment sheet and wrote in the remarks section:-

                                                                `              

                                                                                EXECUTION-22/1/2011

                                                                     “A KILLER IN ME IS A KILLER IN YOU.”

Travelogue

Beta man laga k panda…Ache se rehna….

This sentence echoed a hundred times as I was leaving my nest nit with emotions, feelings, sacrifices and childhood tales. I was drifting from the place I had been belonging for the last seventeen years; it was time now to step over the Horizon ditching my adolescence. My family-my dad, my mum and my little sis naina steeped inside the car, as my kith and kin bid us goodbye. It was hard to believe that I actually was going away from all the earlier love, from all these people…..I thought for a second

“Would it be possible for me?”…

 I was searching for the answer in the mystic tunnels of my mind, when the driver started, and the distance me and my home started widening. A brief turn and my place was out of my sight, I felt a twist in my intestines  as I witnessed my house disappearing from the rear mirror, .it was weird, I was happy, yet there was something empty, something hollow in my heart.

The journey started with my mother’s daily soap telecast about all sort of instruction –

Do bath daily,Do keep your nails Clean, Do pray….

Amidst these instructions my mind gloated elsewhere among the mystic tunnels of my cerebrum, and wondered what my mother considered me-a five year old nursery kid, or rather would I be even getting any of these instructions from her when I would get in to college?

I came back from my secret world and realized that my dad had taken over from my mum. He had started off...

Pay attention in your studies...don’t get carried away, don’t roam much!!

I turned back aghast as I felt that my father’s tone had softened a bit, as in he was about to cry, thinking back now I question myself – “was it my imagination?” Or my 1.3 kg brain was thinking just too fast…

As the car halted at Moradabad so that we could have dinner, we stepped outside at the Punjabi dhaba. While ordering the food ”daal makhni,Shahi panner,Malai kofta….” I imagined that wasn’t I going to miss my mother’s home made delicacies too!! As we stepped back inside the car my little family slowly slept away, as I saw the three of them sleeping together cozily, my heart started pumping a bit fast, and my stomach gave a lurch. I couldn’t understand why?

Suddenly it struck me, I was going to miss these people, in all the fever and fret I had forgotten about these three people. I turned back, took a deep sigh, closed my eyes and puzzles started building up in my mind.

I opened my eyes out of my haziness when it was about morning, I turned back, everyone was as alert as possible, I realized that it was just half an hour to my college. My heart started throbbing like a tuning fork hit very hard. There were colleges passing by my side , I looked at my parents, I was happy, I was going to see my college, my new place, but my parents face were struck, they were in the mid of an unsuccessful attempt of hiding their emotions, I couldn’t understand why!!

I reached my college and was on cloud nine, doing all the formalities, finally I was there. It was a new beginning!!As we finished up, my dad took out all the luggage from the car , kept at my side, and started giving the adieu speech. When I realized the loophole in the whirlpool of emotions-my family was not going to stay with me. They had to go back 238 km away from me. It was terrible! I touched my parent’s feet(a notion which I don’t believe but follow to make my parents believe that I am a sanskari kid), they started sobbing, and they sped away. I was there with my little heart alone in this new world, my eyes full of tears, at the entrance of my new home-my hostel.

The earlier Nerds had proved themselves yet again-

Although the distance of my heart from my parents was yet too large, yet the DISPLACEMENT was NILL!

Remember Me.

Leaning back he watched the last few drops of the shimmering wine, slip down the glass. His head was zooming. Taking a large puff from his burning cigar, his own soul, he made swirls of smoke fly up in air, and smiled watching them rise up, and then vanish in to the haziness of the room. Far away in the mystic tunnels of his brain, he could see himself lying on the bed, with Aryan, few hours before the exam, both of them smoking with only one stick, turn by turn. His smile faded away, as he zoomed back in to reality, the empty bed and just himself alone in the room.

He got up impatiently from his chair cursing his loneliness, as his gaze fell across to the photo frame on his study table. He arms in arms with Aryan and Eva, he picked the frame up in between his shivering fingers. How happy the three of them seemed to be, unaware of what life had in store for them in future!!

The frame slipped from his hand and hit the floor; smashing itself in to pieces .Alas the mean angels themselves were jealous of the three of them. He sat down on the floor watching the pieces scattered; he felt that the only treasure of his life was looted away!

He was lost somewhere near that lake in little winging, where the three of them had once sneaked over for an outing. Sitting next to each other, their feet in the gushing water, gossiping about some idiot professor in the college. Eva had suddenly kept her palm on his, unintentionally, and his heart had just started jumping and in the very next moment he saw her arm around Aryan’s shoulder. He could remember how his insides had gone on fire…

The burning cigar touched his finger, when he was thrown back to reality again, and felt his heart breaking, as he faced his empty walls, the hollowness inside him, the emptiness crawling up, pulling him beneath the surface. He lighted one more cigar and puffed, and the 4 inch stick was put on fire to burn his insides in to ashes.

He closed his eyes again, to jump in to his little fantasy world, and he could see, the three of them waiting impatiently for the result. As soon as it came out, Eva was first, and these two had managed to just bowl the passing line. She had jumped up and hugged him, how heavenly had he felt. She felt so soft, her body so close to him. His heart beating in synchronization with his, he had already gone in to some other world, when he realized that she had left him and hugged Aryan in turn, his eye balls had almost popped out of the sockets to see that. He opened his eyes now, back in to his shell-his dimly lit room.

He couldn’t understand why had he become jealous, when everything was right on the track, they were the three musketeers of his life, Arthos, Parthos & Aramis, the guys whom he loved more than himself, who added all the color to his life, who gave his life a meaning. It was then he realized the loop in the whirlpool- did he have something special for her??Could it be possible? Harry and Eva...? He decided to call Aryan...

Hello, hey what’s up?

Shut up u jerk; have got something important to tell you...

What??You pissed off in your pants..??

Shut up Aryan...

Okay, listen... even I had to tell u something..

First me...

Nope, listen 2 me, I m going to propose her tomorrow, I just hope she doesn’t need too much of time...

What? Whom?

Eva ... who else...

Screw you asshole, how could you even think so..??

What is the problem in that..?? It’s been long time she is checking me out, now it’s time for me to step forward...

You nuts or what??

I am serious...

How could u hide it from me..??

I didn’t hide it, I told you, and you are the first one to know this dumb ass

Are you serious about her??

Nope, the usual ..

You are kidding, right? You aren’t going to treat her that way?

Why? What’s wrong?

Everything about it..

Shut up; dude...you messing with me because of that chick??

No it’s not that...

Then you can also come next if u want to, I don’t mind…

The telephone bell started beeping as soon as the sentence finished…

He was awestruck, the floor beneath him shaking, his head stirring, everything seeming so unreal, so bizarre, he had to choose between the both of them. His brother or his girl(at least he thought so). He could feel the tsunami rising in his heart.

He had spent almost a month now from that day. He tried to persuade Aryan to not to use her, but couldn’t make the difference, he couldn’t even spill the beans to Eva, he was in between in both of them, his love and his friend, with a choice to cheat one of them. He felt he was suffocating; the never ending trauma was killing him.

And today was the day when Eva had invited Aryan to her place, the day he feared

He walked out, up the staircase, to his terrace, a fresh chilling gulp of air stuck him hard on his face..

He had to choose in between Aryan and Eva. He held his head in his hands, and then it struck him; he struggled for a moment to find out his cell. Called up Aryan, and before the guy could start up with any of his nonsense, he said -

I love u brother but I think I also love her. Please take care of her and “REMEMBER ME!!”

Are you drunk?

He threw the cell away in darkness, and smiled, at last he had finally got the way out. He saw the cigar in his hands, took a last puff, last puff of his life of 18 years, a tiny yet amazing life, and made smoke swirls, as the swirls started vanishing; he came close to the boundary. His whole body trembling with fear and rage, his nerves tightened and sweat drops trickled from his forehead and as the last swirl disappeared. He closed his eyes and jumped, the gravity shifted beneath his feet, the burning cigar still in his hand, his only ultimate partner.

It was said that, on that night, two people died, one a lost lover, and the other a true friend of a selfish brute.

Can these unsorted feelings be such a serpent that they suck out the color of someone’s life??

I leave that answer to you!

Diary of a Soldier

Dear Diary,

I was late for promenade today; yeah a bit of scolding and twenty rounds, and it was all before we had a trip to the town, finally A BREAK!

Entering the city it was written ‘LA VIVA MEXICO’, and just the view of it enchanted me. It was a holiday after … a lifetime it seems. As soon as we were in the market, I broke off the cadre in to the bustling streets. I felt the joy of a kid entering Disney Land, unable to decide the ride he wants to take first. The market was huge, with pools of people pouring in from every corner, vendors shouting and howling, colorful dresses, children, and most importantly girls….they all seemed like people from different planet, I was an alien there.

Amid the hustle and bustle of the crowd my eyes went off to a couple standing on the right side of the cutlery shop. The girl was in purple gown and the guy in blue t-shirt.  The girl seemed to emanate an everlasting glow. She was holding a red rose in one hand and the other hand…well it was in the guy’s hand .Instantly I looked at my hands, fingers resting on my prized possession My  ’ MAVERICK-340’ –one shot and the person’s head is blown away in to titters of flesh! I don’t know what happened, I felt like throwing it away that time, my prized possession seemed like a burden to me. Why guns in my hand? Was I the one who deserved the thorns in the rose? I know these were idiotic questions, but they were bothering me….

I turned to the left and strolled on, locking those questions in the basement of my heart. I was a soldier. It wasn’t a day to waste, I moved on! There was a juggler brimming over his act, a fisherman bargaining with a woman, it was all amazing, yet I felt like a thorn was struck in my windpipe. The market was so different from my headquarters.

As I walked on my eyes caught a glimpse of a child coaxing his mother for a balloon, I was smiling looking at the child’s simplicity. In the meanwhile the chains on my hearts basement were sliding; the basement was opening again, hurling newer questions this time… Where is my mother? When did I last talk to her? Is she okay? Questions were zooming in like zombies walking around as dead ends… I was like in a dream, standing on a beautiful island, one second you see the beauty of the island and as you blink your loneliness engulfs you. I was pulled back from the mystic tunnels of my thoughts when I felt something soft in my hand…

I looked down, a small child was holding my finger, the touch was so soft, so tender, the child’s eyes were full of mischief, yet so naive! I was bending down to kiss him when his mother came and picked him up hurriedly, and turned away belligerently, as if I was a murderer. Didn’t I deserve a normal life? What was wrong in my uniform? The dress which was the heartthrob of the nation suddenly was like a murder’s attire. I was clueless… felt like the air was sucked away from my windpipe, I wanted to run away from the market, the Disneyland became a nightmare for me…

 Sitting now, I am thinking about all those incidents, and I am all nostalgic now… it’s like I am falling in the whirlpool of emotions and just can’t get a hold anywhere. I am a soldier, the one protecting this nation, still I feel as if I am an intruder here. I can’t get it, my happiness, accomplishment are all fading away. I felt like the human inside me died far back, buried somewhere in the Alba-in chains of duty and responsibility. The feelings of pride and honor persisting till last night are all flushed away, and it’s like an intense state of fervor. The dead bodies and the gore sight, the battleground now haunt me. It all comes back to me, I feel like a missile shot from the Armour , but without an aim…

I guess I will be able to console myself from this outraging war inside me, I guess I could feel worthy again… I wait for tomorrow with just emptiness crawling inside me…

  

“THE CRUSADER OF THE CIVIL WAR FEELS LIKE THE PRISONER OF WAR!!”